Dear Transformation Junkies,
As I have been reviewing my old notes, lectures and retreat materials from over 25 years of personal growth there are some concepts that I have adopted as my own and live my life from – I almost hear myself saying “DUH”. And, there are other concepts and learnings that I made a note of and then, poof – 25 years went by.
I know that the message/lesson will appear when I am ready to hear it but it still fascinates me that my inner wisdom saw these teachings and noted them but my conscious mind somehow let the conversation of the new idea/thought slip by. This is why I am reading all my old notes and journals. Partly to see how much ground I’ve covered but also to witness how much more there is to uncover. I LOVE this stuff!!!
Be a loving witness to your whole catastrophe
My dad used to say this line from the movie Zorba the Greek “…the full catastrophe” he would put it at the end of whatever he was talking about. “Yes, I went to see the performance (insert any play, music or performance that you had to dress up to see), drove to the city, parked the car and had to get dressed in a suit, the whole catastrophe,” I remember his saying whole as opposed to full but that really does not matter. You get the point – it was a catchphrase in our family. Whatever was said you could just add that to the end “… the whole catastrophe.”
As I read my journals and notes I am seeing the whole catastrophe. The entirety of my life and the bits and pieces that I felt were important. The parts that I really worked on and incorporated into my life and the parts that I was not ready to address yet. I am following the impulse to review and write about this. I am simply following that impulse and I have no idea where it will take me, but I am prepared to write about the whole catastrophe. I hope you will find something that resonates and perhaps has you perk up to what else there is for you to dig deeper into in your own life. If there is anything I’ve truly learned it’s that we are never done growing, learning and creating. The journey is the purpose.
There is no THERE to get to
I was leafing through some notes and in several places, the word/concept of Integrity came up. I remember talking about integrity in the Landmark Forum (my first ever transformational weekend) and the leader said something to the effect of – All there is to integrity is that when you are out of integrity you need to clean it up, recommit and get back into integrity. I remember thinking – WHAT, it can’t be that easy. I need to be punished, there need to be consequences. Well, it turns out. It is that easy.
The word integrity has so many meanings but this one is a pretty standard one:
Integrity is the practice of being honest and showing consistent and uncompromising adherence to strong moral and ethical principles and values. In ethics, integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one’s actions.
Ok – sounds good BUT what is the truth? Whose morals? Whose principles? When I was growing up my grandmother was more of the old school philosophy -girls should be seen but not heard – boys are superior. Um…excuse me. Needless to say, I was pretty challenged by that and I bring it up not to accuse my grandmother of being wrong (although she was) this was how she was raised. This was the truth for her. This was the correct, moral and accepted way to think and act.
Frankly, I think this one issue is at the root of all the unrest on our planet. Religions, cultures, communities, families all have some sort of thinking and truths that make up the integrity of the group and everyone adheres to these truths to fit in, to be accepted and belong. Of course, we do this – it’s basic survival. But what if you don’t agree with the truth of the group. What if deep down you know what is being said, taught, believed does not align with your heart. What then?
ONLY YOU CAN KNOW WHAT IS ALIGNED WITH YOUR INTEGRITY
Wait, what? I need to define my own integrity. I am responsible for my own truth? I am the only one who will know if I am in integrity? Maybe others got to this sooner than I did but when I really got this concept it was both liberating and terrifying. Liberating because I knew on a heart level that I was living my life based on other people’s and societal truths and I needed to step up and define for myself what was morally right and ethically correct for me. This was really growing up for me because I could no longer (really) blame anyone else for anything that did not go right in my life (although believe me I still tried). Which brings me to the terrifying part because now it was all up to me. Based on my upbringing, my culture, where I lived, how I was educated, what I liked or did not like, etc. I was the only person who could truly define what was valuable, ethical, moral and true. I had to make it up.
Side note: We make it all up so no need to panic but it sure seems real sometimes
I can’t really remember what exactly happened for me 25 years ago when I started to see this for myself but I know that from this vantage point in my life I can see that I let some situations that were not aligned with my values stay in my life way too long. Those situations that called for me to speak up and assert myself I did not do in order to be a good girl. I’m not saying that people should not aspire to be a good girl – I’m just saying define for yourself what a good girl (or boy) means to you and then do that.
When you separate morality from integrity (frankly what is morality anyway) then you can distinguish integrity as itself:
- Keeping promises and agreements and doing what is expected (that you agreed to)
- Being true to your principles and values
- Honoring your word as yourself
When we make others wrong usually we are out of integrity or not keeping our word. This is something to notice and just to alert us as to where you may be out of integrity. Hey (they) probably did indeed do something wrong (right – I hear you) but if we are in integrity, we instinctually know there was nothing else for us to do. If we find we are getting upset then there probably was something that we could have done/not done, said/not said to have had a better outcome. Otherwise, it’s just a matter of what worked or did not work – not digging in to prove they are wrong, and we are right.
I wish I could lay out for you a formula for integrity and what elements are required and correct – but I can’t. The choice is yours. I can, however, encourage you to start noticing how you live your life. What do you say yes to and then go – “I don’t want to do that, but I guess I have to because I said I would.” Notice why you said yes – was it because you were aligned with the request and then something changed or where you aligned with some other persons/institutions/communities/religions/governments’ ideas of what is true and correct.
Just notice for now and then slowly, as you start to see that this is all made up anyway, decide what you value, for real, what resonates in your bones as your truth. Start to allow it to speak to you. Perhaps it will be that you need to fly to an island by yourself for a week with no Wi-Fi and unplug during the same time that your family has scheduled a family reunion on a date that never worked for you anyway. The key is to not commit to what is not in alignment in the first place and the secret is if you did then just go back and clean it up and make a new commitment. “Hey, I can’t make the reunion, but I will have 2 dozen bagels delivered for breakfast.”
May you be aligned with your integrity – always.
“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”
-Spencer Johnson
“Integrity is not something that you should have to think about…nor consider doing…but something in the heart that is already done.”
-Doug Firebaugh
“Perhaps the surest test of an individual’s integrity is his refusal to do or say anything that would damage his self-respect.”
-Thomas S. Monson
When you are out of integrity – all there is to do is get back into it!
Side note: I almost didn’t write this blog because I wanted to have it done by February 29th and since I did not, I thought – oh, forget it. However, my integrity tapped me and reminded me that I said (my word to myself) I was going to write a blog each month. If I just didn’t do it then I would be breaking my word with myself (no one else is watching me). Once I stopped and was aware of my integrity being out all I needed to do was acknowledge it and recommit. I could have then decided to not write this but because I took the time to check in with myself, I cleaned up my out of integrity (not writing it and planning to slink away) and recommitted to write it and post – I was able to just do it. Tada!
For those of you who are saying- well that’s just letting yourself off the hook – please see my reaction above when I too first learned this idea of integrity being either in or out. Someone needs to be punished you say. Um…do they? You decide. You have your whole lifetime to ponder it.
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